Berserk fanposter by Lyna Ayr


Berserk fanposter by Lyna Ayr




Warning Signs of Satanic Behavior. Training video for police, 1990

had that paperback of the Necronomicon, which you could buy at any chain bookstore.

Warning Signs of Satanic Behavior: Being rad.

I’ve figured out why Hollywood is losing money on ticket sales.

It’s because horror movies no longer use their body count as their tagline.


Ken Bald, 1952


Ken Bald, 1952

Other possible reading alternatives: an MRA thread on reddit.

At least I never expected one of those to be fun or witty.

Homestuck updated? Caliborn is narrating?

No, that’s okay, I can read a phone book and get the gist.

I’m gonna be up-front and confess something that a lot of you probably don’t know about me. I’ve been sitting on this for a long time, so please, just bear with me through any awkwardness.

I don’t like Friday the 13th.

I mean, I love the series. I say that in at least half of these reviews. But the original? The iconic one with Mrs. Voorhees? I dunno, man. It’s never done anything for me.

I like Halloween a lot more. That’s easily my favorite horror movie of all time. I go to Camp Crystal Lake for cheese, but when I want horror, it’s Haddonfield.

You know what Friday the 13th should’ve been like? The Burning. It could’ve happened, too, because both of those movies were in production at almost exactly the same time. Their premises are almost identical (irresponsible counselors let a kid drown, vengeful pranksters accidentally burn a caretaker alive) and their settings are functionally the same.

The difference is in the writing. Friday the 13th adopts no pretense; it promised the guts and nudity you didn’t see in Halloween, and that was what it gave you. The Burning takes its time. It says yes, there’s going to be a massacre, but you’ll never see it coming.

Everything special about this movie lays in the setup. We see the villain’s origin and we see him kill somebody (a scene so random that I think it was added in post), but after that we spend a while with the campers, learning what’s going on with them.

Which isn’t much. I won’t pretend this is a great character-driven drama, but these guys are a lot more natural and fleshed-out than anyone Jason ever stalked (I could make a joke about fleshed-out characters in the shower scenes but I won’t. I let you know that because there is more humor in not making the joke). Especially Jason Alexander’s character. Yeah, George Costanza is in this, and he carries most every scene he shows up in by being a zillion times more charismatic than anyone else.

It takes a long while for the carnage to begin, but man oh man, I’m not sure you’ll find another slasher from this period that’s this relentless. It’s funny how a little bit of character-building can make something as goofy-sounding as a “Raft Massacre” horrifying, but here we are.

I’m waxing poetic about a slasher movie, but take my word here, The Burning is awesome.